Fears of Uncertainty
I’m back from a long journey – you picked me up at the airport, we ate, exchanging gestures of longingness. After a long day, we went home, cuddled for a while, then we slept together – still hugging like 3-year old kids with their teddy bears, sank into such deep sleep of calmness, peacefully breathing happiness in the air – I am so happy to be next to you again.
I woke up and you weren’t there. Headed my way out of our room and into the bathroom, thinking that you went there but when I checked, you were nowhere to find. I went downstairs, I saw you watching TV in the living room while talking to somebody on the phone – then I thought to myself “At this hour?”.
You ended the call the moment you saw me approaching the couch. I didn’t bother to ask who you were talking to cause I don’t wanna sound like a spy from a movie. I am just happy that we’re together. You said that you didn’t want to wake me up and that you’re still not sleepy, yet I can’t sleep without you by my side so we ended up cuddling on the sofa, with your warm embrace, I fell asleep. Asleep long enough for me to realize that you went back to our room with your laptop and I was alone again, in the living room with the tv turned off.
I can feel that something is bothering you, yet I didn’t bother to ask. I know how you hate it when paranoia comes my way. I followed you and lay on the bed, pretending that I was sleeping, trying to get a peek of what you were doing. A lot of tabs were open, articles from which I can’t recognize. I know facebook is up, youtube, then there’s one that caught my attention – a yahoo messenger tab, highlighted as if it was active or you were chatting with somebody. I was right when you tried to open the chat window from that certain girl – at 3:00 am… then the backlight from the LCD of your laptop made me fall asleep.
9:00 pm (last night): ……..with words of love and hope…..
10:00 pm: ……….”I WANNA MARRY U SOMEDAY”…
12:00 am: …….words of promise – “HOW I FEEL 4 U WILL NVR CHANGE”…..
1:30 am: ………..”BABY, I NEED 2 TELL U SOMETHING”….
3:00 am: ……..forgiveness is all you want…
4:30 am: ……………”I MET THIS GRL —–”
(too painful for me to read everything & tears were ready to fall from my weary eyes)
6:30 am: …….”I NEED 2 B W/ THIS GRL, I LUV HER ALRDY, SHE TOOK CARE OF ME WYL U WERE AWAY. I CNT HELP FALLIN 4 HER, IM SO SORRY”…….
9:00 am: ……..”DNT WORRY BOUT ME, IM W/ HER NW…TC AND THNX 4 LUVIN ME ALL THIS TIME…DNT SAY THAT I NVR LUVD U COZ I DID & T’WAS THE
HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE…THNX 4 EVRYTHNG…HOPE UL 4GIVE ME”
My cellphone fell from my own hands to the wooden floor that I was standing on. Tears flooded my face, uncertain of what to feel – anger? hurt? hatred? self-pity? Deep breaths could not help me ease this indescribable emotion. I tried to calm myself, sat on the edge of our bed, took the package underneath. A package that I was about to give you. Inside were memories of us and 2 gold rings to seal it. With regrets, I seemingly asked myself why. I should have asked you why. I should have asked you what’s wrong. I should have asked how you feel. I should have asked all the questions. I should have so it won’t hurt this bad. Things would have been different.
I finally felt the anger. I am so mad at you. I wanna scream. Then a glimpse of this unfamiliar photo book stopped me. I rushed to open it – there you are with this girl, you were really happy. You both have that same smile that we used to have. You have the same shots on the same spots that we also have in all our pictures – only you were happier with her. Then I realized the girl you were with was a common friend of ours – she was the one who wished me well when I went out of the country. More tears came rushing down my face – this time regrets filled me with sadness. I shouldn’t have left you alone to wander with your love for me. I am mad, blank mad at myself. Everything was my fault.
The last part was far more difficult to accept. When I was about to close the photo book, one loose photo fell – I picked it up – you and your friend were wearing black. All in black – I wondered why. At the back of the photo, there was a date sometime in 2008. When I look past the bathroom door, there’s a calendar with 2011 on it. Puzzled by it, I checked the table calendar in the study and it says the same thing – 2011.
I remembered now….
I never got home. I never got to you. You waited for almost 3 years I never went home. It was I who left you for good. You deserve to move on. Your life didn’t end when mine did. I missed you. It was heavy, yet everything was clear to me – I loved you till the day I died.
***Alarm Clock Ringing****
9:00 am: I woke up with a heavy heart. I rushed downstairs to look for you. Thank God you’re there, doing facebook. I hugged you so tight, kissed you – uttered I love yous and to your surprise, I cried. You asked what’s wrong, I said nothing but hugged you so tight that even I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. The thought of you speaking so softly in my ear “wake up baby, I love you”…..
9:00 am: I woke up. I was on a plane going home to you. I’m glad I am. I know I’ll see you soon. I don’t think I can stand being away from you anymore. I love you baby and I wanna marry you someday.
I am home with you, at last.